Social media can take over people’s lives and has been proven to have negative effects on mental health, self-esteem and sleep habits, so clearly it’s time to quit. You know this to be true in the deepest part of your guts, but we know it’s hard, which is why we’ve created this list of highly effective tips to help you log off for good, which you can scroll through once and then not implement in any way, you filthy online junkie.
1. Delete apps off your phone
Completely removing apps for Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Twitter from your phone would mean you could never again start scrolling mindlessly the second you have to wait even a moment for anything in your life! Even just reading that sentence made you panic like some cocaine monkey who’s had his cocaine taken away by the scientists studying how addicted to cocaine they can make monkeys get. You will never do this.
2. Carry a notebook
When you get the itch to consume things from other people, try creating something instead by drawing or writing! Though unless you’re able to draw extremely flattering self portraits in seconds, don’t expect this to feed into your endless vanity in any of the ways you so desperately, constantly need, you wretched attention-seeking narcissist.
3. Spend time with friends IRL
You won’t feel the need to check in on what people are saying online if you already know what they’re up to in real life! Why not spend quality time with a friend in person and remember why you became friends in the first place? Of course if you do this people will start to see the real you: the broken, needy person that you’ve been hiding so carefully all this time behind your highly curated online presence. None of your friends love you enough to look past your genuine flaws.
4. Make an announcement
Letting people know that they can still reach you by text or e-mail will keep you from worrying that people will lose track of you, and a public declaration will help you stick to your goal! Try to think of how you would phrase such a message. You can’t because you know it’s a lie, just like any notion that you could ever change as a person.
5. Just fucking disable your account
That’ll make it permanent. Do it. I’ll watch. Go ahead.
6. I’m still watching
Well…
7. Don’t pretend like you can’t find it
8. I bet you won’t even install one of those programs that blocks Facebook for 20 minutes
If you had one of those you could at least take back some tiny part of your life. But no, you’re like one of those desperate alcoholics that drinks mouthwash except your breath isn’t nearly as fresh.
9. Remember to be kind to yourself
Quitting anything is hard and can take plenty of tries, so don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work the first time!
