TORONTO – In the wake of the sudden resignation of Patrick Brown due to sexual assault allegations, the Ontario Progressive Conservatives have stunned the world by appointing a black, homosexual woman as interim leader and no we’re just fucking with you it’s an old, white man.
“Given the severity of the allegations against Brown, we actually toyed with the idea of naming a person of colour or trans individual for a lot longer than we normally would: a whole 0.00000657 seconds,” said Ontario PC spokesperson Jim Whitebody. “Boy, that was a scary 0.00000657 seconds!”
The PC party has a long proud history of messing with the public regarding purported diversity only to let people know they’re being messed with and that they’re going with a vanilla pudding man after all. Notably, in 1990 the party released a missive stating that they would be putting forward a member of Canada’s large Asian community as party leader before adding “pshaw, no no no, kidding. It’s Mike Harris.”
Further investigation has revealed that the provincial conservatives have an internal 50 year plan for future party leaders which reads: “White, White, White, White, Portuguese kind of White, White White, White, White, Greek?, White, White, Maybe a White Woman now.”
“Look, it’s vitally important for us to pay as much lip service as we can to diversity since Canada is a multi-cultural mosaic blah blah blah et cetera,” said Norm Whiteman of the PC fundraising committee. “But can you imagine if we seriously nominated someone darker than bleached snow? How would that even work?!”
Interim leader Vic Fedeli could not be reached for comment but has been described as exactly what you’d expect.
