SURREY, BC – In what onlookers can only describe as a strange violation of everyday norms, parents from all over the community are waiting in line for up to half-an-hour in order to place their vulnerable offspring on the lap of a strange man wearing a cheaply made disguise. Witnesses report the man is wearing all red and white attire, complete with a full white beard and glasses to obscure his face, this while he sits in a house with no running water, yet adorned in colourful lights and opulent decorations, all within a shopping complex.
Ranging in age from 10-years-old to as young as infants, the suspicious man asks the children a series of deeply personal questions about their behaviour and desires, but only if they are sitting upon his knee. Sources say this is happening all while parents watch, apparently willfully subjecting their young to this bizarre interrogation, often paying to take pictures to commemorate the ordeal.
“C’mon Samuel, tell Santa what you want,” said local mother Karen Parkinson, 33, to her 4-year old son, who only moments earlier was crying in protest at the prospect of being in the clutches of a man he has never met and seems to be taking pains to conceal his identity. “Remember you’ll only get your presents if you’re a good boy.”
At press time, the strange man is said to be using the information he gathered today to plan a mass forced entry into the residences of every single one of the children.
