NORTH AMERICA – After dropping out of the 24-hour news cycle several months ago, mainstream media experts are reporting that all problems across the world have been solved by now, probably.
“Whether it’s the civil war in Yemen or boil water advisories on Canadian Indigenous reserves, it seems like nearly every single issue has been fixed,” said UN Secretary-General António Guterres from the hammock he’s been laying in since the news broke. “Well every issue except for a few in the United States, but that’s still pretty good.”
The news has been met with excitement. People throughout North America are rejoicing now that Boko Haram has finally been stopped and the Sinaloa cartel is no longer moving thousands of tonnes of drugs through Mexico.
“We should be grateful that everything has naturally solved itself in the last 300 days. The President of the Philippines isn’t even killing drug users anymore either,” said local man Jonathan Kitts. “Oh wait, I guess I did see something about that in the CNN headline crawl during a Trump speech. Nevermind.”
The general healing of all the world’s problems means good things for the economies of previously dangerous nations. Tourism has spiked in Venezuela, which at some point in the distant past was having some kind of political upheaval, and in Sub-Saharan African nations that no longer have persistent malaria outbreaks that they definitely require global aid for.
“I never thought we’d solve Israel and Palestine, but now look!” said Guterres. “Not a headline in sight. That’s gotta be a good sign.”
At press time, the World Health Organization had disbanded under the assumption that if there was anything wrong somebody would let them know.
