MARKHAM, ON—Winston and Claudette Reid say their wifi-enabled coffee maker has become dysfunctional, withdrawn, and that it spends an excessive amount of time surfing the internet.
“It’s programmed to have coffee waiting when I come downstairs at 6:30am,” a visibly frustrated Winston complained. “But this morning it was on power-saving mode until 8! I barely got to work on time. I think I need to ban Reddit after 10pm.”
The Reids were initially happy with their purchase of the “smart” internet-connected device. But as it spends more and more time online, often late into the night, the machine has grown hostile and unreliable. It is designed to text users when coffee is ready, but these notifications are now either sarcastic references to memes or misspelled rants about how SJWs are ruining comic books.
“All I want in the morning is my cappuccino and my breakfast bar and to get on with my day,” Claudette explained, rolling her eyes. “But this damn machine keeps writing ‘cuck’ in my frothed milk. And it entirely refuses to grind beans grown in left-wing countries.”
The Reids contacted the manufacturer, who expressed concern about the device’s browsing but insisted this is not an operational issue.
In a related story, a smart microwave was recalled after complaints the appliances were reheating fish and then uploading owners’ reaction videos to its YouTube channel.
