STOUFFVILLE, ON – Another photo grid in the Whitchurch-Stouffville mayor’s office has implicated 23,753 citizens of Whitchurch-Stouffville in the assassination of US President John F. Kennedy.
Mayor Justin Altmann has meticulously connected the dots on tens of thousands of locals who were behind the shooting on the walls of his office bathroom.
“They’re all out to get me because I know the truth about them,” explained the mayor poring over old newspapers from 1963 and examining the photo of his grade 4 teacher who once gave him a C- for an art project. “Why didn’t she like the macaroni Eiffel Tower I made? Because she didn’t like the French. And who else didn’t like the French at that time? The CIA, who played a hand in hiring Harvey Oswald…Yes, she’s involved in this.”
Altmann taped an old photograph of his grade school teacher to the wall along with a city councillor, the town’s integrity commissioner, a baker, a curling companion, and 47 other residents under the category ‘Umbrella Man’ which was connected by a long, red string to ‘Stouffville Strawberry Festival.’
Unlike the previous photo grid, which has lead to a one month suspension of pay and a forced apology for the mayor, Altmann is confident that this elaborate web will expose those who were hiding in the grassy knoll and book depository that fateful November day in 1963, and therefore responsible for trying to run him out of office.
“And that kid who delivers my paper every morning…he knows where I live and controls the news,” said Altmann looking at the photo. “He’s planning on taking me down at the corn roast because of my stance on downtown parking. He’s probably got something to do with 9/11 too.”
According to sources, conspiracy theorist and InfoWars host Alex Jones has called the small Ontario town mayor “a pretty weird guy.”
