CALGARY – In addition to the cereal, newspaper, and homeownership industries, reports show millennials are now destroying the once-popular pastime of legal for-profit millennial homicide.
While millennial killing remains a popular leisure activity among Baby Boomers and Generation X-ers alike, Canadians born between the years of 1981 and 2004 report a surprising distaste for the sport. Across the country millennial hunting ranges, gravedigging businesses, and equipment shops are closing due to aging demographics and low sales.
“I’ve got a whole warehouse full of millennial killing rifles, machetes, and avocado toast lures,” lamented Chester Stephenson, owner of the millennial killing outfitting store The Hipster Hunter. “These days the older crowd are all too busy enjoying their second homes to do much millennial hunting. Some of these young people say they’re into millennial killing, but I’m pretty sure only ironically. Like when they go to Applebee’s.”
“By not being willing to pay money to kill each other, these lazy, entitled millennials are killing my business,” Stephenson insisted
The millennial killing industry has struggled to appeal to millennials with eco-friendly body composting and celebrity endorsements from Taylor Swift. Still, younger consumers are opting instead to spend their entertainment dollars on Netflix, music festivals, and not paying to murder their fellow millennials in cold blood with impunity.
For their part in the industry’s decline, many millennials seem to feel little or no remorse. “No, I don’t feel bad,” responded 29-year-old Carleton grad Jeremy Banks. “Look, I have to worry about finding a job, paying off my student loans, and remaining ever-vigilant so that I’m not rounded up and forced to compete for my life in some brutal free range “Death Dome”.”
Back at the Hipster Hunter, Stephenson remained skeptical about the possibility of millennials to popularizing some kind of baby boomer killing activity.
“They’re welcome to try,” said Stephenson, holding a millennial killing rifle, “but let’s just say jobs and financial security aren’t the only thing we boomers don’t intend to share.”
