OTTAWA – In preparation for the upcoming round of NAFTA renegotiation talks, Canada is searching for the most effective possible negotiator through a nationwide beauty pageant.
“We considered the usual trade specialists, seasoned diplomats, and policy experts,” said Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland. “But our research shows the best advocate for Canada in these specific negotiations is a woman between the ages of 18 and 25 who looks chillingly like the American president’s daughter.”
“The one he likes,” she then clarified.
Miss North American Free Trade Agreement will spend a weekend being briefed on the status of NAFTA, the importance of the softwood lumber and dairy industries, and how to keep her hair shiny yet bouncy before representing Canada in the massive multinational trade deal.
“We don’t want Canadians to get the wrong idea,” Freeland explained. “This isn’t just about looks. To be crowned Miss NAFTA, a woman needs to grasp complex trade issues and be able to put forth convincing arguments in a high pressure adversarial situation, all while wearing a business bikini.”
“And if the first Miss NAFTA doesn’t work out, well, we’re considering rotating her out in favour of a younger, prettier Miss NAFTA every three or four weeks anyway.”
Taking a different approach, Mexico’s NAFTA negotiator will be the disinterred skeleton of Fred Trump, the distant father whose approval Trump has chased for his entire life in a futile effort to finally feel loved.
