EDMONTON – The head of an emerging group of nihilistic anti-abortion activists has begun lobbying the government to outlaw abortions on the philosophy that we are all dead the second we are conceived.
“It is simply a waste of time and tax-payer dollars,” said Gibson Pierce, taking a long drag off a cigarette, “Life is already God’s sick joke on humanity and the moment that a sperm gains entry to an egg, it is already too late.”
“Remember, life has a 100% fatality rate,” he continued.
Pierce’s opinions have not connected with mainstream pro-life supporters who tend to base their arguments on moral grounds rather than a fatalistic worldview that nothing matters and all of man’s actions are futile in the grand scheme of the universe. When asked for comment, most spokespeople said that Pierce just bummed them out too much to listen to him for any significant period of time.
“You would think he would be in favour of abortions as a nihilist but it turns out he’s also really against the needless spending of money,” commented Pierce supporter Adrian Reeves, “he feels abortion is simply redundant.”
From time to time, Pierce has been observed picketing clinics with signs depicting the void and canvassing to implement a school curriculum designed by Friedrich Nietzsche which advances a castration-based approach to birth control. Friends and co-workers have commonly described him as a generally quiet man who sometimes likes to accuse babies of being vacant husks.
“We are walking corpses attempting to replicate the spark of life we all hope in vain will be attainable but which the cosmos have jealously denied us,” Pierce wrote in a missive to the Alberta Legislature, “the notion that abortion will put an end to a burgeoning life is misguided, for even if that child is born and survives to old age, they were never truly alive.”
In a strange turn, nihilistic Pro-Choice supporters have become the most vocal opposition of Pierce despite sharing an underlying philosophy. In a collective response to his lobbying efforts, the “Everything Means Nothing” movement has accused Pierce of being misguided since, in truth, there is no inherent morality. By their estimation, since the collective sum of human efforts and accomplishment is insignificant, there should be no judgment as to how women choose to treat the empty, pointless shells we call “bodies”.
What is certain is that Pierce has succeeded in bringing both sides of the dispute together in agreement that he’s just a giant asshole.
