WASHINGTON D.C. — President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey late Tuesday, putting to rest any rumours that his administration colluded with Russia to influence the 2016 election.
FBI Director Comey, who recently testified that his agency was investigating the Trump Administration’s ties to Russian President Vladimir Putin, was fired relatively abruptly – a move which has was met with resounding nationwide praise.
“Absolute slam dunk from President Trump,” stated New York Times Executive Editor Dean Baquet, sitting in his Manhattan office. “I guess I can stop all my reporters from pursuing leads indicating that members of the Trump campaign may have worked with Russia’s Kremlin. Maybe now we can tackle real issues like how Brad Pitt is holding up after his divorce.”
“Oh man. How are we going to fill our pages tomorrow,” Baquet mused, before humming ‘Hail To The Chief’.
In the termination letter, Trump cited Comey’s October 2016 decision to update the Senate regarding Hillary Clinton’s e-mails, which many say cost her the election. The president insisted via the letter that he has always been “against Comey’s election meddling” and “definitely never thanked Comey publicly for it at rallies and on TV”. Trump accused Comey of bias, while insisting that “Donald Trump has always demanded fair treatment for Crooked Hillary.”
Back in Washington, Trump’s move to fire the senior investigator rumored to possess highly classified proof of his potential treason was widely lauded. “This firing has absolutely restored my faith in the President’s integrity, and frankly democracy itself,” said House Democrat Chuck Schumer, addressing a press scrum while wearing a red Trump campaign ballcap. “I’m so glad we can all stop worrying that our White House may have been compromised by a hostile foreign power, and get back to making America great again!”
Meanwhile on twitter, the President himself addressed the nation to assert how innocent he truly was on Twitter:
“Had to fire Fake News Comey cuz I am SO NOT afraid Putin will release the Pee Tape. I mean a hypothetical pee tape. TERRIBLE.”
Reached for comment, former FBI Director James Comey was quoted as saying “The President was right to fire me. His conduct is completely above reproach, and I made up the whole investigation because I like attention.” Comey then proceeded to order a “Sorry I investigated you for treason” edible arrangement to be delivered to Mar-A-Lago.
At press time, White House staffers are reportedly staying up all night shredding “un-incriminating documents” for use as ticker tape in an “innocence parade”.
