TORONTO – After a citywide blitz by the Toronto Police, over one hundred people have received tickets for operating a vehicle while eating their emotions away.
“Sadly it has become all too common for drivers to shove sugary and salty saturated fats down their throats in an effort to mask their feelings of inadequacy”, remarked Police Chief, Mark Saunders at a press conference.
His officers reported finding everything from Wendy’s Frosties to Taco Bell’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Crunchwrap Sliders inside these drivers’ mouths, far beyond the legal limit of 2 hamburgers and 3 oreo cookies.
Police Constable, Catherine Wan, who handed out over ten tickets during the weekend blitz stated, “the real law these people are breaking is how sad and disgusting they are.”
Stats Canada says that reports of shame eating while driving have been increasing ever since the introduction of KFC’s Double Down in 2010 coupled with the economic crisis. Since then, over 32 people have died as a direct result of fast food and low self esteem on Canadian roads.
“If you are going through a breakup or recently tried on clothes in front of a full body mirror please be responsible and don’t get behind the wheel. Instead walk to your nearest bar to drown your sorrows in alcohol” said Lucille Herbert, chairperson of MASE (Mother’s Against Shame Eating).
Some car manufactures have even begun developing technology to prevent a vehicle from starting if the distinct combination of processed cheese, onions, and tears from a broken heart are detected.
Chief Saunders finished his press conference by asking all drivers to think of their colons before getting behind the wheel this cottage season.
“You never know if that burrito will be your last.”
