OTTAWA – Minister of Science Kirsty Duncan has burst out of a time machine on June 24, 1867, just in time to prevent a younger version of herself from murdering Father of Confederation John A. Macdonald.
“Don’t do it, Kirst,” said the older Duncan, raising both hands as the younger Duncan whirled to point the gun at her. “I know it might make sense to you now, but I’ve seen things you haven’t.”
“Also, that shirt will go out of style sooner than you think.”
Sources report that young Duncan, flustered and distressed, shouted, “No, I have to!” and aimed her gun at Macdonald, who was drafting a speech for July 1st in his study. At this, older Duncan allegedly tackled younger Duncan to the ground and disarmed her.
“Trust… me… it’s better… this… way,” said older Duncan, struggling to bind the hands of an opponent who knew all of her moves.
Duncan reportedly set forth on her latest journey through spacetime when she noticed a parliamentary painting in which Macdonald’s face had almost completely faded.
While ultimately successful, the mission was briefly jeopardized when Duncan was unable to get her time machine, a decommissioned TTC streetcar, to the 20 km/h required to activate the flux capacitor.
Since Duncan’s return to the 21st century, Macdonald’s journals make mention of a ‘trolley of some sort’ and ‘two strange women who looked like twins’, a vision Macdonald ultimately attributed ‘to the brandy’.
This revelation helped corroborate Duncan’s testimony, which critics had claimed was ‘riddled with paradoxes’, specifically that Macdonald is now also the son of Confederation.
Although Canada still exists in Duncan’s timeline, it remains unclear why an elderly, cybernetic Kirsten Duncan also arrived in 1867, just moments after the departure of her younger selves, shouting something about ‘closing a loop’ and ‘rogue time cop John Diefenbaker’.
