From the first, lust-filled round of craft beer to the eighth break-up bottle of scotch, the arc of your failed 2016 relationships is perfectly documented on the credit card statements you need to pore over for tax season.
Lucky for you a lot of that hurt is tax deductible! But be careful: you can’t write-off everything. To avoid a CRA audit, only make claims under the following categories:
1. Start-up costs:
These costs are generally incurred early in the relationship year, when the mountain of red flags is apparent, but easily ignored. Most commonly, these “honeymoon period” purchases include dinner dates when you still had an appetite and small gifts you buy “just because” everyone should have a second pair of socks.
2. Security:
Security costs are tricky business because most of these purchases are made while you’re still in denial. They include privacy software for your phone and computer, dozens of sage incense sticks (for positive energy), and that book of excuses you use when you just want a night to yourself. Even if you’re still convinced that this snoopy jerk is the person for you, make sure to keep your receipts.
3. Retention:
As your sense of self begins to perish, many choose to invest more time and money in keeping a volatile relationship together — so, the CRA made a tax credit for it! These are expenses like apology flowers (only if you didn’t know what you were apologizing for), the single train ticket bought when you said, “I think it would help if we were in different cities for a while,” and anything else that you swear made sense at the time.
4. Research & Development:
R & D are the costs incurred when you’re looking for answers because you’ve lost sight of what’s real. Think useful reads like, The Sociopath Next Door — unless your friends have “forgotten” several copies in your foyer — or the Magic 8 Ball you relied on when you felt like there was no one you could trust.
5. Bankruptcy:
Bankruptcy costs are the jaws of life that extract you from the burning car wreck of your break-up. Often this involves a lot of self-exploration. From the healing gemstones you bought when food lost its taste, to the psychic cleansing performed so you could start finishing sentences again, it’s a great time to take advantage of CRA’s new “mystical tax incentives.”
For tax purposes, wrapping up your horror-show before the end of the fiscal year is preferable, but even the Canadian government understands how a string of fervent apology texts can pull you back in for one last trip to the pain parade! That’s why the CRA won’t give you your return until you sign a form promising you will never, ever, ever, ever, ever go back.
Sources
