TORONTO – In an effort to make Ontario hydro bills more affordable, Premier Kathleen Wynne announced a 25% cut in electricity rates this year, bringing the average monthly bill down from the usual WHAT THE FUCK!? to the more reasonable Holy Shit!
“We hope that by lowering hydro bills to the Holy Shit level, our re-election prospects will rise from A Snowball’s Chance in Hell, to Not Fucking Likely,” stated Premier Wynne at a news conference.
When asked how the Liberals plan to cover the cost of the reduction, Energy Minister Glenn Thibeault explained, ‘We will refinance the cost of electricity generation contracts, much the way homeowners have had to refinance their mortgages in order to pay their hydro bills because they turned on a lamp during peak periods.
Thibeault went on to admit, “We do recognize that the system we build came at the expense of many families. As in, they’ve been forced to ‘eliminate’ family members to afford their $500 a month hydro bill because they moved into a rental house with electric baseboard heaters.”
The provincial Liberals are still hoping to convince Prime Minister Justin Trudeau to remove the 5% federal share of the HST on hydro bills, which could further reduce bills to a cost-effective, Screw It, We’re Moving Back to Manitoba.
