Yesterday as I was enjoying my standard evening of watching youtube clips of houses burning down and berating my youngest son for no reason I saw a breaking CNN report about my longstanding ties to Russia, and the fact that they technically own me.
At first I was worried this could jeopardize my presidency before it even started, but then I looked at twitter and laughed my ass off. Seems the only thing you Losers care about is a note in the report that I paid Russian prostitutes to pee on a bed in front of me. Twitter was blowing up with #goldenshowers jokes. 80,000 different people tweeted at me “Hey Donald Trump, urine trouble!” Get it?
Putting aside the fact that you apparently don’t care about treason, I can not fucking believe how surprised you all are that I would be into something kinky. Did you think I, Donald J. Trump, who was born the absurdly wealthy son of an absentee German father and a strict disciplinarian mother, got off on regular missionary sex twice a week?
At what point during a presidential campaign where I expressed my love for violence and repeatedly talked about how hot my daughter is did you come to the conclusion that my sexual appetites must be as plain and vanilla as your own?
Seriously, I want to know. When I mocked a disabled reporter or called all Mexicans rapists did you sit back and say, ‘you know, I bet that man with the insane haircut and the gold toilets isn’t into anything weird!”
Well I have news for you fuckers. Golden Showers with Russian prostitutes? That is just the tip of the iceberg. I am into so many more depraved and disturbed things – stuff you haven’t even heard of. Stuff that you can only do on international waters. That’s just who I am.
And now that you think about it, doesn’t that make a lot of sense?
