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Guide To: Inauguration Day
National
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Montreal
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Canada Votes 2015
Poilievre denies he’d be a Canadian Trump: “I’ll be more like a Canadian JD Vance”
“I can’t believe anyone would vote for Trump,” says smug Canadian man planning to vote for Poilievre
Justin Trudeau announces another thing for Poilievre to cancel next year
The Beaverton Is Dying. Unless You Save It
Family of 5 enjoys 24 hour window where nobody sick
CTV announces 24 nanosecond news cycle
Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus
Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think
Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started
Rogers ends free Wifi on the TTC after learning it betters life for Canadians
Proposed names for Toronto’s new WNBA team
Amazing! Bald eagles seen living in Toronto with zero roommates!
Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane
Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow
Vancouver actor moves to L.A. to improve odds of getting cast in shows that shoot in Vancouver
Vancouver removes tents from Eastside unless they can prove they’re a weed shop
Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
ICC issuing arrest warrant for Netanyahu clear proof of court’s bias against genocidal maniacs
Canadians fail to notice difference as global IT outage disrupts airlines, banks, health care
Man angry about 15-minute cities wouldn’t last a day in Europe’s 15-minute countries
Report: Protestor encampment at McGill still cleaner than student residences
5 ways Democrats can win the next election, all of which involve throwing Trans people under the bus for some reason
Experts warn Trump dangerously close to figuring out where Canada is
“Democrats better get their shit together before the 2028 election,” says adorable friend who thinks there’s going to be a 2028 election
Trudeau suggests now might actually be a great time to retire
Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef”
Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Sports
Sports
Fans not falling for Oilers ‘maybe we suck’ bullshit this year
Ottawa sends yearly reminder to rest of NHL that it has a hockey team too
NHL fans excited to watch their team’s 5 remaining uninjured players when regular season begins
Rogers promises Leafs, Raptors fans that their teams will be just as successful as current Blue Jays
Business
Business
Loblaws: “now we need to raise prices because of deflation or whatever”
Loblaws launches for profit food bank
WestJet debuts new slogan: “Air Canada, but somehow worse.”
CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
“Let’s do this again soon!” says friend you will literally never see again
Indie band goes on tour to recoup financial losses from last tour
Fall festival just summer festival with scarecrow
Local man’s “Dave Chappell Roan” Halloween costume hated by all
Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card
Lame-ass ghost turns out to be metaphor for grief instead of a cool chain-rattling guy
Wild Gen Z prom party wraps up at 9:15 pm
Extreme home makeover? This man washed his sheets
“Get well soon!” says woman who doesn’t understand how chronic illness works
Wizard? This woman timed her edible to the end of her workday
As COVID rates skyrocket, health officials warn Canadians to wear plenty of sunscreen
Doug Ford closes Safe Injection Site to make way for new All-You-Can-Drink Booze Guzzler’s Emporium
EDITORIAL: Why my cheque giveaway is great whereas Doug Ford’s cheque giveaway is desperate and terrible – by Justin Trudeau
Opinion: Bluesky is a dangerous echo chamber because no one wants to hear from me, specifically
Editorial: Five ways to use your huge bazongas as literal weapons in the Woke War, by the National Post
Editorial: Women must date unpleasant men, and we’re not just saying that because we’re unpleasant men
Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans
Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire
5 tips for betting on NHL preseason games while your whiny children beg you for attention
93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Most popular Thanksgiving Sides in every Province
CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
Five people you hope are not on the Epstein list
Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele
Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race
Quiz: Who should you vote for in the Alberta Provincial Election
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
Conservatives explain why Pierre Poilievre attacking ‘globalist elites’ isn’t antisemitic
Liberals explain why they can’t do anything about the housing crisis
Canadians react to Pierre Poilievre’s “sexy” makeover
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
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CInDpE2LbsQ
Guide To: Inauguration Day
The Beaverton
begins our coverage of the
presidential inauguration
.
