BRICKFORD, ON – Riding on an international wave of anti-intellectualism, local fool Muddy Tom holds a commanding lead in the ongoing village election.
“Really, him?” said rival candidate Madeleine Jonas, while ol’ Muddy entertained the crowd with fart noises made by his armpit. “After all the years I’ve spent clearing up industrial waste at the old factory so it doesn’t contaminate the town’s water table?”
While many villagers concede Tom is not their ‘ideal candidate’, they think a ‘political outsider’ could really ‘shake things up’
“He tells it like it is,” said voter Dave Albright, while Muddy Tom pulled down his pants and did that thing where he moved his butt cheeks with his hands while he talked, so that it looked as though his butt was the one spouting anti-immigration rhetoric. “See? A real straight-shooter.”
While Tom’s policy positions have been described by experts as ‘at best, inadvisable’, voters have been willing to take them with a grain of salt.
“Of course he’s not going to make all of us wear jingle hats,” said Albright. “That’s just a metaphor. Or a simile. I wouldn’t know, because I’m not a downtown elitist.”
This is the strongest showing by a complete buffoon since Rob Ford swept Toronto on a platform of hosting pretty good barbecues.
