TORONTO – Ontario’s Progressive Conservative Party officials announced today that they are optimistic they can torpedo any chance of gaining popularity among Ontarians despite bribery charges against top Liberal staffers.
Speaking at a press conference on Wednesday, spokesperson Tom Nicholson said that Ontario PC officials were already working on a new way of making the party somehow even more unpalatable than the current scandal-plagued Liberal government.
“It’s just a matter of time before we find it,” said Nicholson to reporters. “We blew the gas plant scandal by being initially in favour of it, threw away any chance we had with e-health or ORNGE by randomly promising to fire 100,000 people during an economic downturn, and completely missed any opportunity we had with the Liberals’ political fundraising practices by doing the exact same thing. We can totally find a way to make this not work for us.”
Sources inside the party say decision-makers are weighing several options to flout any political advantage stemming from the bribery charges out of Sudbury. Possibilities include nominating a member of the Ford family for candidacy, having MPPs give out more sexist remarks, proposing that Ontario should publicly fund more faith-based schools, and getting people to read Patrick Brown’s voting record.
While party officials did acknowledge party members’ belated and somewhat hesitant acceptance of climate change might make voters consider them as a viable option when compared to the Liberals, they reassured reporters that their views on sex education and sex in general would prevent this from happening.
