Name: Lisa Raitt
Background
Born and raised in Cape Breton, Raitt has always cited her strong Nova Scotian roots ever since she left at the first opportunity and will never come back. As a lawyer, she is the undisputed champion of WWE Toronto Island Airport Authority Smackdown (2007) where she defeated Olivia Chow in a vicious 20 minute bout. In the Harper cabinet, she was best known for calling the shortage of medical radioisotopes used for cancer treatment as “sexy”, but took full responsibility for her comments by offering the resignation of her 26-year-old staffer. She is fluent in English and neo-conservatism.
Policies
– Make all speeches beside life-size cardboard cutouts of Kellie Leitch and Brad Trost to emphasize that she’s not as bad by comparison
– Approve the Northern Gateway pipeline so more Canadians have access to oil spills
– Fund Palestinian relief organizations that donate their land to Israel
– Avoid questions in French by asking “Où est la salle de bains?”
Chances of winning
If the Tory Prophet Peter MacKay wills it so
