Saskatoon, SK — Local contractor Gord Sawchuk was struck by misfortune this morning when two thick slices of cinnamon raisin bread were ejected from his toaster with only a single toasted side. The culprit: his toaster’s “Bagel” setting.
With only moments before he had to leave for work, the sight of the half-toasted bread stunned the contractor and father of two. In a groggy daze, a normally vigilant Sawchuk had failed to notice that his toaster had been set to “Bagel” by unknown forces.
“I’m not a crying man,” Sawchuk told reporters, “but when that toast came up soft on one side and rock hard on the other, I wept. I wept like a baby.”
Sawchuk insisted that despite his toaster’s numerous extraneous buttons and dials he had been aware of the “Bagel” settings’ existence at the time of the incident. Sawchuk claimed to have never once under-toasted or over-toasted or inserted a slice of bread upside down. With decades of toaster experience, Sawchuk wondered how this mis-toasting could have happened to him.
“Morning after morning, I’m coming up with perfectly browned bread.” said Sawchuk. “At this point I don’t think I can rule out that this might have been a setup.”
Not knowing who to trust, Sawchuk knew he would have to be his own saviour. In the final moments before work, a panic-stricken Sawchuk rushed to consult his toaster’s instruction manual.
“There was a lot of safety information in there but not a word about bagel-toasted toasts.”
With nothing left to lose, Sawchuk took a chance on a miracle. He flipped each semi-toasted slice, soft side out, and depressed the lever once more. Several minutes later, two evenly toasted toasts were released from the toaster, saved by zero hour ingenuity.
Referring to his victory Sawchuk told reporters, “The Lord tested me this morning and I met his challenge. I feel like Job.”
