WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States has found a law limiting the right of citizens to hunt people unconstitutional.
“Unrestricted campaign spending, unrestricted gun violence- it’s clear to this court that the original framers of the constitution only had the worst things in mind,” said Chief Justice Roberts. “Sure, they didn’t specifically mention hunting humans for pleasure, but at this point, I think we can conclude it was at least implied.”
The ‘you can’t hunt people’ law was struck down for impinging on the First Amendment, which enshrines free expression, and on the First Amendment of the Jungle, which enshrines the time-honoured legal principle of ‘kill or be killed.’
“Our job is to protect individual rights, even at the expense of the collective good,” said Roberts. “Now, you might say that the collective is made up of individuals, whose civil and human rights have been ignored by this court for reasons of race and class. But I say, this court doesn’t see race and class: only predator and prey.”
“Now I’m a sporting man, so I’m going to give you a fifteen second headstart.”
Although the original ruling was a 5-4 split, dissenting Justices Kagan, Sotomayor, and Breyer have since changed their positions, saying they’d ‘rather be the ones on horseback.’
“If anything, this ruling doesn’t go far enough,” said Justice Clarence Thomas. “Hunting humans for meat and sport is great, but what about Americans’ God-given right to get a giant wooden barrel, and then fill it up with people, and then stand on a diving board above that barrel, shooting down into it with a shotgun until you just get this red soup full of buckshot that you can jump down into and restore your youth, who’s protecting that right?”
When reached for comment in a rat-filled abandoned mineshaft in the pacific northwest, Justice Ginsberg would only say that the other justices were the ones who drew first blood.
