WASHINGTON, D.C. – Citing recent behaviour, a concerned group of friends and international representatives took the United States of America aside today and quietly advised it to pick a more realistic dream.
“The idea that Americans should aspire to security, prosperity and upward social mobility for their children just isn’t practical in the environment you’ve created,” stated Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven.
“All data shows that the only people increasing their income are the super wealthy. But hey, you have a great personality.”
Acting as mediator, Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister of Canada, urged all countries to keep calm and to try to use “I” statements at all times. At one point during the intervention, Trudeau suggested an impromptu yoga session, settling instead for a reluctant massage train to lower the stress in the room.
“Maybe you should focus on more practical dreams, like cutting out dairy or getting in shape,” suggested an exasperated Shinzō Abe, Prime Minister of Japan.
“Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is good dream – but in the way that flying or giving birth to your own father is a dream – a fantastic hallucination that will never actually happen.”
Some of the international representatives we’re more emotional during the discussion.
“We’re all here because we care about you. I keep lending you money, and frankly, I feel taken advantage of,” read a teary-eyed Xi Jinping, General Secretary of China, from a crumpled piece of paper.
Joining international representatives was America’s roommate from college, Ted.
“What happened, bro? You had so much potential. Now it’s all debt, war, and a violent, unaccountable police force. I think this ‘dream’ of yours is just an excuse to ignore what’s really going on, man.”
America spent most of the meeting playing lottery scratch tickets and exchanging flirty texts with Donald Trump.
“What are you even doing? You deserve better,” interrupted German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
The concerned members put forward many options for a new American Dream to work towards, including being able to use a washroom without a birth certificate, having the funds to order Taco Bell’s fancier burritos, or only losing one child to gun violence.
