WASHINGTON, D.C. — Researchers at NASA this week announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like planet orbiting the star closest to the sun, which they say possesses physical properties conducive to complete annihilation by the reckless hand of mankind.
“I don’t normally say things like this, but we’ve really hit the jackpot here,” gushed the space agency’s Dr. Rashid Patel. “Rocky surfaces ripe for condo overdevelopment, water that can be either rendered toxic through unregulated corporate waste disposal, OR sold off to the private sector, and, if we’re lucky, an oxygen-rich atmosphere we can bombard with carcinogens.”
“Call me a sucker for the splendor of human potential,” Patel continued, “but I genuinely believe that, if we put aside our differences and work together as a species, humanity can fuck that planet up real, real good.”
Still, critics argue that any further exploration of the newly discovered planet, dubbed Proxima B, would constitute a waste of resources that would be put to better put to use here on Earth.
“Here’s an idea,” offered activist Moira Blumenthal, “Instead of spending trillions of dollars on destroying a planet four light years away, why don’t we invest a little more money into destroying this one?”
Nevertheless, Dr. Patel is optimistic that a child born today will be able to contribute to the complete obliteration of Proxima B within their lifetime.
“Who knows? Maybe we’ll even discover an intelligent civilization we can introduce to racism, sexism, and homophobia? Or better yet, we could go full genocide. The possibilities are endless.”
Photo: NASA Ames/SETI Institute/JPL-Caltech
