CALGARY – Husky Energy has reassured environmental groups that local wildlife will evolve to refine and use the crude spilled in the North Saskatchewan River at a level above that of regular unleaded.
“Our biologists are confident that Saskatchewan’s native species will not only adapt to further spills, but utilise the presence of oil in their ecosystems to gain an evolutionary advantage,” said Husky President Asim Ghosh. “Though accidents like this are saddening, conservationists will not be so despondent once they see a heron roar past with all cylinders firing at 200 kilometres an hour.”
Sources inside Husky say that once indigenous flora and fauna have mutated sufficiently, instead of getting coated in oil and dying, they will be able to internally refine it into a “premium fuel”, then burn it for increased speed and efficiency while leaving a cleaner engine.
Environmentalists are up in arms.
“This is wrong on so many levels,” said Eileen MacIntyre of the North Saskatchewan Biodome Defence League. “We should be subjecting species to lightning strikes so when they inevitably metamorphosize to use the forces of nature against us they’re at least carbon neutral.”
