EARTH – The entire population of the planet has announced this week that it intends to simply lie down for a little nap until all the evil, violent, and hate-filled things that occur daily disappear.
The announcement comes shortly on the heels of the murder of five police officers in Dallas by a gunman looking to kill white people which itself shortly followed the murder of two black men by police officers in Minnesota and Louisiana. Upon reading the previous sentence, the entire planet heaved an immense sigh, donned sleeping caps and footy pajamas, and began preparations to hibernate, at least for a little while.
“It’s just…. I can’t right now,” said Donovan Michaels, a fellow human being who succinctly summarized the general mood of the world before tucking himself in until this all blows over.
Past coping mechanisms have included long diatribes on social media, refusal to accept salient portions of opposing viewpoints, protests, counter-protests, and forced ambivalence. With no progress appearing to be made, the people of the world have climbed into their four-posters and asked to be woken once it all – all of it – goes away on its own.
“This is probably for the best,” reported Tasha Wallace as she grasped the inside of her comforter and slowly brought her blankets up over her head.
When asked about the depressing motivations for the universal naptime, individuals gave a wide variety of instigators including: ISIS, Syria, Russia, the NRA, lone wolf terrorists, organized terrorists, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, Blue Lives Matter proponents, All Lives Matter proponents, the police, Men’s Rights advocates, Israel, Palestine, the BDS movement, climate change deniers, anti-GMO campaigners, rape culture, campus censorship, and Dave from down the block who has some stuff to say about immigrants. Experts had predicted that this list will likely grow by approximately 150 items every week forever, before the experts themselves turned on their white noise machines and drifted off to a nicer place.
“The worst part is that no one is completely right but everyone thinks they are,” mumbled Justin Trudeau from beneath a toasty quilt at Sussex Drive, “I know there’s a solution to be had if everyone works together but…. but not right now. Maybe when I wake up everything will be better somehow.”
Early reports of threats to firebomb a synagogue in Europe suggest that the global nap will likely continue for some time, which people appear to be content with, rousing only briefly to collectively switch over to the cool side of the pillow.
