PICTON, ON—With nothing standing between them and a relaxed, quiet evening at home, Shelly and Jordan Douglas chose instead to spend three fractious hours passionately arguing about what to watch before going to bed, sources say.
“Sure, a lot of couples like to sit around and watch movies, but that’s not our speed, is it dearest?” asked Shelly, passive aggressively clicking on the Romantic Comedy genre just to prove a point.
“You know what’s better than watching the most recent season of House of Cards?” asked Jordan. “Acting it out! Much like President and First Lady Underwood, we spend our time together tormenting and manipulating each other, each vying for the power of the Movie Chooser”. Jordan then suggested the sequel to a buddy comedy he knew Shelly had despised in order to criticize her for being too negative.
Explaining that neither one of them even really likes movies, the couple asserts that goading each other into a fight is just how they like to wind down after a tough day. “I’m sure there’s a great documentary on the psychology behind it, but of course, we wouldn’t have seen it” said Shelly, sadly remembering a time in their marriage when her husband was still interested in the world around him.
The couple’s neighbour, Alicia Strupp, who every night is privy to these epic shouting matches through the shared wall between their house, says that they seem like a perfect night-time activity for the deeply unhappy Douglases. “When you’re married to someone you truly despise, I think arguing about whether Julia Roberts is a good actor for 153 minutes can be the perfect end to another day of conjugal discord.”