BRASILIA – Amidst a presidential impeachment, numerous public health crises, incomplete infrastructure, and a wildfire that rages throughout the country, Brazilian officials assured the world that Rio will be “only moderately on fire” by the time they host the Olympic Games in August.
Acting president Michel Temer, who assumed office last month after the Brazilian Senate impeached president Dilma Rousseff for manipulating government figures, assured reporters that “curtailing this raging fire will be very near to the top of our ‘to-do’ list. Obviously we cannot hold a world class sporting event while the nation of Brazil is wholly engulfed in flames,” he conceded, actively working to avoid the currently burning podium and floor.
Experts are split as to what actually initially caused the blaze that has consumed 100% of the country of Brazil. Some speculate the fire was set by gangs who have unofficially seized control of Rio’s lawless favela neighbourhoods, while others insist it erupted spontaneously due to national anxieties over Brazil’s plummeting GDP growth.
On the streets of Rio, Brazilian citizens were quick to add their opinions on the mounting and unstoppable blaze which is at worst the seventh or eighth worst problem currently plaguing the nation. Blario Calerjo, a joint fitter, opined “Ahhhhhhh!” while Helder Jungmann, a lifelong resident of Rio, added, “Aiiiieeeeee!!!”
In yet another unfortunate turn of events, Brazilian water has proved ineffective in dousing the rampant fires, due to exceptionally high levels of bacteria. “It would appear that massive amounts of raw sewage have turned the water into some kind of accelerant, so that it actually spreads and increases the fire.”
“Add that to the list,” sighed Temer.
Still, Temer remained optimistic, insisting that, despite the fire, tourists will be welcomed with open arms during the Brazil Olympics, particularly since the flames might kill many of the mosquitos carrying the deadly Zika virus. Temer also quipped that the Olympic torch “should prove pretty easy to light,” before solemnly acknowledging the very likely risk of the torch melting due to the extreme heat from rampant fires.
Temer then concluded the press conference after being informed that a newly-constructed Olympic legacy cycling path had collapsed into the sea, which also on fire. Before leaving he turned to the assembled journalists, adding, “If you could try to stamp out some of the fire as you exit, that would be a big help.”
At press time, there are still plenty of tickets still available for the Rio Olympics.
