SASKATOON, SK – Witnesses report that local businessman, Jared Rice, has made Mother’s Day intolerably awkward for everyone around him after he accidentally introduced his mother, Ruth, as his “lover.”
The incident occurred this morning in front of staff and customers at Park Cafe, the restaurant where neither Mr. Rice or his mother will ever be able to have a pleasant brunch at ever again.
“After he said it, everyone just pretended they didn’t hear it, but then he was like, ‘Mother! I mean mother. My mother is not my mother. I mean lover. I mean not my lover,’ so loudly that it was impossible for everyone there not to hear it and be totally mortified for him,” said barista Marie-Josee Phaneuf who was visibly cringing as she remembered overhearing the embarrassing exchange, unable to stop herself from imagining the mother-son pair together in a sexual manner.
According to sources, the man’s face went completely red after having inadvertently insinuated a deep-seated incestual urge toward the woman that brought him into the world and cared for him in his infancy into adulthood, while onlookers shied away their faces, silently thinking to themselves that Rice needs to immediately seek the help of a qualified therapist.
Patrons at the restaurant report that Rice and his mother sat mostly in silence, every-so-often attempting short-lived small talk about the weather or how good the salmon eggs benedict were, only to fall back into quiet, overcome by the humiliating Oedipal shadow cast over the meal.
Family members say that this was the worst incident of its kind since the time Jared Rice accidentally introduced, his brother, Steve, as his girlfriend.
