WATERLOO – In an astounding announcement made by the popular clique of scientists that hang out behind a Waterloo cancer research laboratory, cigarette smoke has been found to be less of a health risk than previously thought.
“It makes you look super mysterious and edgy so we all suspected that it probably wasn’t that bad for you,” said Dr. Myles “Rad” Engstrom of the Department of Almost Getting to Third Base, as he rolled up a pack of Morleys into the sleeve of his ripped white lab-coat, “Turns out we were right all along. As always.”
The perils of cigarette smoke, long thought to include cancer, lung disease, emphysema, and other respiratory ailments, has apparently been overblown by lamewads who sit at microscopes all day and who don’t realize that if something feels good, you should do it.
The scientific group has also lauded the benefits of unprotected sex, games of chicken in abandoned aqueducts, and swarming churchgoers in your sweet, sweet Harleys.
“Look, I’ve got a PhD so I know what some of the other dork professors have been saying, but I know for a fact that none of them have ever cruised to make-out peak with the Co-chair of Oncological Research and Cheerleading Studies, so how much credence can you really give their opinions?” asked Dr. “Bulldog” Studford, as he lit another match by striking it under his fingernail.
Dr. Studford’s main squeeze, Professor Beverly Swift – a nobel prize winning researcher – agreed with his sentiments while loudly snapping her chewing gum.
“Well, all the studies and statistics point to cigarettes being a leading cause of cancer and other health ailments,” said Dr. Elmer Pointdexter, as he pushed his taped-up glasses further up the bridge of his nose, “but whenever I mention that to the Kool Docs, they call me a ‘York Graduate’ and shove me into a rack of tumor samples.”
The group has courted controversy in the past when its previous leader, Dr. James “Wild Stallion” Malone – a Montgomery Fellow of Astrophysics and Prom Night Punch Spikology – became embroiled in an academic feud with a rival group of scientists from the University of Toronto. Their debate over whether classic jet propulsion theory could benefit from the recently discovered Sub-hydraulic Hydrostatic Acceleration Radio Quark particles became known in the community as the Jets vs. SHARQs debacle.
Sadly, Dr. Malone lost his life trying to settle the fight in a drag race while taking Dead Man’s Curve within the Large Hadron Collider.
