KINGSTON – Local dad Henry Spurlock has begun construction on an auxiliary porch to be deployed in case of a major failure in the current primary porch.
“So far the primary porch has operated admirably since being re-stained last summer but ‘Porch 1.0’ is simply not enough. Yes, ‘Porch Beta’ will take a lot of work but we at the Spurlock household will not be caught unprepared,” said Spurlock to assembled reporters. “Hey, do you guys want a beer?”
The backup porch is estimated to cost upwards of $500 but Spurlock says the cost is well worth the security it provides.
“I know the neighbours are laughing at me now but what if there’s a tornado next week? Who will they come begging to for a delicious, post-natural disaster hamburger?” explained Spurlock. “Now my family has one less thing to worry about.”
When not working on the backup porch, Spurlock is spending his time devising additional porch-based systems that will provide his home and family with greater protection and, ideally, more porch space. Three smaller porches have already been installed outside his children’s bedroom windows, allowing for easy access to a porch in case of a locked door or house fire. Ever the innovator, Spurlock is also using an unstable redwood subspecies to build a highly experimental, and potentially dangerous, deck-porch hybrid.
“That one is just a precaution,” explained Spurlock. “I hope to God we never have to use it.”
