VANCOUVER – Anthropologists and Conservationists around the world are mourning a drastic loss of human diversity after the death of Dave Laskowski, 54, reputed to be the last line cook living without a single tattoo.
“With the death of Dave and the extinction of his unaltered skin, a unique part of human society is now just a memory,” said Sarah Fenton of the University of British Columbia. “His loss is a bleak reminder of how quickly an endangered species can be lost forever.”
“We must not allow this to happen to other indigenous groups such as journalists who are not on Twitter and baristas who can spell,” she added.
The population of untattooed line cooks has been eroded over the last few decades from colonization of their traditional lands by tattooed musicians, hostesses, and photographers, with whom they have quickly interbred.
“We have lost the only living link to tens of thousands of years of unique customs and language,” said restaurant manager Fatim Abdul. “Never again will we witness their sacred ritual of taking six smoke breaks in an hour and still getting at least one thing wrong on every order.”
Another defining trait of the now extinct group was their diet. Scientists were fascinated by how they were able to subsist on a diet consisting almost entirely of a specific kind of chicken wrap and the occasional brisket sandwich.
“It’s sad he’s gone,” added Abdul. “However, it was inevitable. He kept saying how he was going to get a sick tribal to impress Mena.”
