TORONTO – Mayor John Tory conceded yesterday that city workers had planted bedbugs on the 501 Queen Streetcar in an effort to bring a little more New York City grit to the Six.
“There’s a feeling that life is still too easy, too boring, for a city of this size. We’re working to make it a little tougher,” said Tory.
Andy Byford, Chief Executive Officer of the TTC agreed, saying that “Many people come to Toronto to pursue their dreams but it’s hard to know how serious they are. If you’re not avoiding bedbugs on public transit or making eye contact with a rat on your way to work, do you really want it?”
The City has the support of residents like Cheryl Simpson, who called the plan “genius,” adding that, “A world class city needs bedbugs on public transit. And Toronto is no exception.”
And she’s not alone. The City has received complaints from residents about a host of missing day-to-day obstacles that make them question Toronto’s cachet. “It’s just very easy to walk down the street when there is no one stopped directly in front of you looking up, mesmerized by the architecture” read one comment card. Another complained that, “You go to Dundas Square and there aren’t any off-brand Disney or Marvel characters to avoid. I just breeze through. Like, what’s even the point of this place?”
City officials have hinted at other ideas coming down the pipeline, such as increasing the pace of gentrification, building a High Line-style park over the Gardiner Expressway, and writing a theme song for the city titled, “If you can make it here you can make it anywhere … In Canada.”
When reached for further comment, John Tory added, “We promise to work hard toward making Drake’s lyrics ‘started from the bottom’ a reality.”