WATERLOO, ON – Researchers at the University of Waterloo have created a quantum computer that is able to access the internet and download pornography from parallel universes.
Basic quantum computers, which harness the computing power from elsewhere in the multiverse to solve complex problems intractable to conventional computers, have been in development for years. But the biggest breakthrough came this week, when scientists have finally been able to send explicit, NSFW information between universes.
“As soon as we learned that we could connect to other universes, we immediately focused all of our efforts on being able to access the infinite multinet of pornography,” said Dr. Jordan Zhang, lead researcher for The Q-Fap Laboratory.
“We’ve been working 15 years on this and finally we’ve been able to see some ergodic titties,” he added.
Because of quantum tunnelling, scientists say erotic data can be transferred using what they have termed a “glory hole” between universes. Preliminary discoveries suggest that pornography in other universes is remarkably similar, but with distinct exceptions. For example in one universe Jenna Jameson did anal, Ron Jeremy is skinny and the Japanese have unpixelated genitals.
“Subtle differences in our mirrored quantum states render infinite complete new realities which we are just beginning to pull hardcore images and video from,” said clinical researcher Cynthia Adler.
“The science is still very young,” explained Adler, “ and barely legal.”
At press time, scientists have not yet found a universe in which they do not feel shame after masturbating.
