WASHINGTON DC – Following a press conference where President Obama was moved to tears while discussing recent horrific mass shootings, the National Rifle Association has demanded that Congress pass stricter regulations on the use and possession of presidential tears.
Speaking to reporters, NRA president Wayne LaPierre denounced the president’s use of tears when discussing the tragic 2013 massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School. “These tears are unregulated, menacing, and present a clear danger to our beloved NRA talking points.”
“Why, just a single tear cried over mass shootings of children on national television could wipe out an entire year’s worth of campaign contributions the NRA has paid to Republican leaders,” LaPierre continued. “Won’t somebody please think of the donations?”
Outside the press conference, NRA members gathered to protest Obama’s “monstrous acts of empathy”. One NRA member, Bruce Horton, 46, carried a sign with the slogan “Government TEARanny”. Horton explained to reporters. “Obama has to be stopped. I pray for the victims of these mass blubberings.”
Back inside, LaPierre was joined by Chris Cox, executive director of the NRA. Cox urged Congress to implement waiting periods on presidents who wish to cry tears, particularly with regards to “fully-automatic crying and sobbing.” He also proposed sweeping limits on public crying, commonly referred to as “open carry tears.” Cox then highlighted examples of countries like Australia and England, which banned their rulers from public crying 20 years ago. Cox added, “Nowadays, children in those countries never have to be confronted with the spectre of emotion at their schools.”
When asked about the morality of regulating an involuntary bodily response, LaPierre struck an even tougher line. “If President Obama wasn’t in control of his tears, that just further makes the case for regulation. I mean, at the very least, some background checks.”
LaPierre also dismissed arguments that his call for tear regulation was in violation of First Amendment free speech protections. “Let’s be real,” LaPierre countered, “when the Founding Fathers talked about freedom they never imagined tears being deployed on this kind of high-tech, modern scale. Hiding behind the Constitution on this tear issue is just a smokescreen.”
In the end, LaPierre appealed not just to Congressional Republicans, but to American citizens. “The National Rifle Association is committed to fighting increased gun control measures, even if that results in future mass shootings.” LaPierre then grew somber, “But presidential tears cried over these mass shootings – the line has has to be drawn somewhere.”
Asked if he was considering stockpiling tears of his own, the NRA president clarified “Oh, I stopped being able to produce human tears years ago, when I took this job.”
