NEW YORK – Nike announced today that 2015 was its most successful year ever, crediting their massive increase in sales to a specialty line of sneakers that targeted the under-served “young, rich centipede” demographic.
“In hindsight this was a no-brainer,” said Mark Parker, Nike’s CEO. “Nike has always appealed to teenagers the world over, whether human or, uh, nightmare.”
Nike admits it was an uphill battle. Many sales representatives say sales were initially difficult as they had to communicate mainly in centipede and also fight every single human instinct that was insisting, screaming at them to crush the customer that was sitting on it’s many legs, waiting to be sized.
“As the product line became more and more popular, more and more centipedes started showing up,” said sales clerk Patricia Longshead, from her safe house in an undisclosed location. “Eventually the ones that live deep in South American caves started showing up. The giant ones. They’re blind you know, so you have to… um… hold their… ah… hold their legs to guide them around the store. I’m sorry, I can’t keep talking about this.”
Nike’s shareholders are unnerved and excited by the prospect of a demographic that reproduces several times a year, producing sometimes hundreds of disgusting consumers from a single clutch of eggs. Eggs that could be hidden anywhere in someone’s home.
“Yes, yes, we made a lot of money this year, but it came at a price. For example, my doctors have informed me that my heebie-jeebies may be permanent,” said Parker, standing on his desk so as to see the entire floor at once. “But hopefully my wealth can help me forget tying 50 pairs of shoes onto 100 horrifying feet, all rhythmically swaying and twitching and ending in tiny claws and sometimes looking like a dust ball but brother that’s no dust ball, believe me.”
At press time, Nike had scrapped plans for shoes targeted at daddy longlegs after watching a few videos on YouTube.
