BY: GEORGE LUCAS
Over the decades, fans have come to expect a certain standard from me; now as the torch is passed on to a new generation of fans (and filmmakers), it’s disappointing to see fundamentally terrible choices for a beloved franchise be thoughtlessly ignored or rejected in this newest of Star Wars movies.
The good news is that Star Wars is still a success, thanks to the loyal fans, who, unfortunately largely walked away from The Force Awakens satisfied. Does that feel like a real Star Wars movie to you?
I think it’s time I explain to them some of the ways in which I would have ruined The Force Awakens if I were still in charge.
Comic Relief
As it turns out, the J.J. in J.J. Abrams does not stand for Jar Jar, because he cut my favorite character.
I had a character called Kamb Reekie in the original Force Awakens screenplay. Kamb Reekie is a two-foot-tall, green and brown, neurotic, humanoid, alien. He’s covered in gas sacks that release noxious gas when he gets touched or nervous. And to make matters worse, he’s clumsy and always getting into trouble. We had Adam Sandler lined up to voice him and everything. Now fans will never see his vital role in the climatic sequence at Starkiller base, never get to hear him say his catchphrase “moopsies!” at 220 decibels of perfect THX sound. 97 pages of him. All gone!
Computer Generated Imagery
Sure, I know there was CGI in The Force Awakens. But I think the real question here is was there enough CGI in The Force Awakens?
No.
Technology has advanced. We should be using it as much as possible.
So I asked J.J. Abrams, why put John Boyega in a Storm Trooper costume, when we can capture him in a green body suit and digitally superimpose his costume in post?
In fact, with advanced body scans, aging actors like Harryson Ford, Carrie Fishman, and Mike Hummel could have had their youth literally frozen in carbonite. We could create eerie CGI simulacra that defy both the uncanny valley and the laws of God and have their characters used in Star Wars films for all eternity!
But did J.J. Abrams listen? No!
Speaking of advanced technology, all the scene wipes in The Force Awakens are boring! Up, down, left, right, the occasional checker or diamond pattern (yawn).
Audiences are dying for something new to transition them into the next scene. I’ve sunk 15 million of my own credits into research and development of a 4th dimensional tesseract wipe, which Abrams and his team flatly refused to deploy because of the ocular risks and the perceptual impossibilities involved.
Coward!
Space Politics
The thrilling opening battle scene at the Jakku village could have been easily replaced with a drawn-out, pedantic discussion from the Republic Senate voting to repeal arcane Galactic by-laws which threatened the implementation of a moisture vaporator embargo. Now that’s an opening!
And I know Kylo Ren is supposed to be this scary Sith type, but what if instead of invading your mind with his powers, he was able to quote every law in the galaxy, arbitrate between alien worlds and then encourage you to vote?
A New Hope
So, J.J Abrams, if you’re not going to listen to me now, at least do one thing right. After your trilogy is all said and done, after the crowds have come and gone, after decades have passed and a new generation is ready to see your movies again, promise me this: If you’re not going to ruin Star Wars now, at least ruin it 20 years from now when you re-release your movies all over again. Or just let me do it for you.
