HOLLYWOOD – Following revelations that Fox attempted to pay X-Files star Gillian Anderson half the salary of her male co-star, what many had assumed to be a shadowy conspiracy stretching to the highest corridors of power, has been revealed to just be regular everyday sexism.
“I initially assumed there must have been a huge cover-up, perhaps involving a cigarette smoking man or bee colonies,” explained IT specialist and longtime X-Phile Jason Deline. “Paying Anderson half seemed like a calculated attempt to sow mistrust in her and Duchovny’s once-strong partnership – a clear indication that powerful men do not want the X-Files reopened.”
Deline went on to explain, “But the more that I investigated, the more I realized that there was no sinister web of government lies. It was just straight up sexism, and apparently it happens all the time.” Deline concluded, “So you know, finding that out was disappointing for a few reasons.”
Industry insiders have similarly struggled to find any non-conspiracy-related explanation for the wage discrepancy between Anderson and Duchovny. Many critics have cited Anderson’s recent rave reviews for performances in The Fall and Hannibal, contrasted with how the final seasons of Californication were what they were.
“The more I investigated this pay conspiracy, the more targets I found,” recounted Hilary Parker, TV critic. “Jennifer Lawrence, Cate Blanchett, Rose Mcgowan – all paid less than their male costars.” At this, Parker grew more animated, “ I even started to see this pattern in my own life, when I uncovered that my coworker Bill was being paid more than me. Who could be behind ‘The Pattern’, and what could their deviously ingenious motivation be?”
“But then I remembered that women statistically get paid 78% what men do, and I was like, ‘Oh yeah. Great’,”’ Parker finished, before releasing a long, exasperated sigh.
Still, some observers cling to their belief in a more complicated and satisfying answer to the Anderson pay discrepancy. “I believe this plot to pay female actresses less than men is the work of extraterrestrials, possibly in league with the world’s governments, or mutant flukeworm men,” insisted UFOlogist Max Fenig, 57 from his research facility/ mobile home. “Obviously the aliens are systematically lowering actress’ pay in a bid to lure them back to their home planet, to appear in much more lucrative alien television programs!”
Fenig added, “That’s the most sensible explanation I can imagine, since paying Scully less than Mulder for any other reason would pretty much be bullshit.”
Following these revelations, Hollywood actresses entering into future studio contract negotiations have been advised to trust no one.
