OTTAWA — Citing concerns over reality show star and financial commentator’s impact on the value of Canadian public discourse, democratic process, and journalistic integrity, Canada is offering Kevin O’Leary $1 million to just go somewhere else and never be heard from again.
“I mean no disrespect when I say this, but Kevin O’Leary’s inane statements on taxes, real estate, the economy, and distribution of wealth are deeply harmful to Canada,” said Canadian Tim Johnston, 27, speaking on behalf of the entire country. “Plus, we have to look at his stupid face on BNN every morning.”
“I don’t want to be condescending,” explained Matt Sampson from North Battleford, Saskatchewan, “but honestly, just hearing him say words out loud makes me want to die or vomit or crawl into a hole deep enough that no noise from the surface can be heard. I hope he sees it would be in the best interests of everyone including him if he just took this money and disappeared from public life.”
While some Canadians questioned the ethics of paying a person to disappear, most agreed it would be far more ethical compared to all of Kevin O’Leary’s investment decisions in the past 20 years.
“Imagine a world where Kevin O’Leary was allowed to express opinions unchecked,” expressed Shauna DeGrace of Kenora. “All of a sudden, not only do business leaders have to deal with a tanking dollar, they’ll have to deal with Kevin O’Leary talking on the radio, Kevin O’Leary on TV, Kevin O’Leary trying to talk to them at social functions. How long do you think entrepreneurs are going to want to stick around Canada then?”
“About as long as he stuck around Celebrity Jeopardy,” he added after a long pause.
Canadians also expressed relief that they would no longer have to be embarrassed by promotions for O’Leary’s wine, which they called “more disgusting than swirling an old loonie around in your mouth,” and went out of their way to suggest places the analyst could go, such as China, Russia, and his own anus.
At press time, Kevin O’Leary was shutting the fuck up, hopefully.
