GENEVA – The Teenage Boy International Summit announced in a communique this morning that an agreement has been reached to cut global nocturnal emissions nearly twenty percent over the next fifteen years.
The envoys, negotiating in Martin’s garage to make sure his mom couldn’t overhear, were given a new sense of urgency by Chairman TJ’s opening remarks, where he stated that if the world did not act soon, the environmental effects of rising nocturnal emissions could end up displacing entire populations to the laundry room in the middle of the night.
“The fact is, by the time the parties are finally able to implement measures in the next decade, emissions will have already climbed to 80% above 1994 averages,” said Dave, a renowned expert from Glengrove High who has gotten to third base. “We need stronger targets now, or soon we will see entire duvets immersed under rising semen levels.”
Negotiations were almost derailed when delegates from underdeveloped nations said the initial targets being placed on them were too harsh. “These targets are only attainable by the privileged few who do not have parental controls installed on their computers,” said one delegate. “And now that we have Kelly and her jean shorts sitting next to us in math class, our emissions have been pushed even further. We simply do not have the infrastructure to tackle these immense problems all at once.”
Delegates acknowledged that they were having trouble getting the political will to institute reforms, with significant portions of the population believing the problem does not exist despite overwhelming scientific consensus.
“None of this is caused by human activity” said Mark, head of the Global Coalition of Older Brothers. “There is no point to all these subsidies to the sock and kleenex sectors when our latest research shows that, with proper handling and lotion incentives, the industry is fully capable of regulating itself”
