TORONTO – A group of Syrian refugees are being lauded for assimilating so quickly into Canadian culture after they immediately identified and lambasted all of the things that suck about Toronto.
“God, could this place be trying any harder?” said Qamar Barakat, as she took her first ever steps in Canada. “Y’know, most culturally relevant metropolises don’t feel the need to spend half their time screaming about how culturally relevant they are.”
There had been much debate about whether Canada should expect Syrian refugees to embrace the nation’s pluralistic values, specifically that all people, no matter their race or religion, can hate Toronto in any way they please. Luckily, it seems that most are already enthusiastically joining in.
“I’ve hidden in bombed-out cars that were better maintained than this so called ‘mass-transit system’,” said Adnan Javed, who was already preparing to move to Montreal or Vancouver. “The bombed-out car would probably move faster too.”
The refugees arrived at Pearson Airport, known to be the best place in Toronto as it can get you as far away as possible, earlier today. Representatives from the federal government were on hand to offer their sympathies to these heroic refugees who have been forced to live in such a horrifyingly abject region, especially right after escaping Syria.
“I was welcoming our Syrian brothers and sisters and I had a chance to speak to a young boy named Marwan,” said Immigration Minister John McCallum. “He was very shy at first, but eventually he asked me how a city that has only had 14 city councilors of colour in the last 180 years could have the balls to consider itself a multicultural utopia. Also, he wanted to thank the Leafs for continuing to be a flaming disaster. He says it reminds him of home.”
“Hell, that little boy might be more Canadian than I am,” added McCallum.
At press time, Torontonians were also talking about how much they hate Toronto as if that didn’t make them even more insufferable.
