ANN ARBOR – In a move that has stunned the fast food industry, Domino’s Pizza has unveiled a new delivery policy for its customers: Your pizza delivered in 30 minutes or it’s probably not coming at all.
Judd Harrison, Director of Public Relations for Domino’s, elaborated on the new system : “The program works like this: As soon as a customer’s order is received by a local Domino’s dispatcher, a virtual clock starts in Domino’s internal tracking system. If the pizza hasn’t reached the customer’s front door within 30 minutes after the clock has first started, it’s a fair bet it won’t be arriving at all and customers should start making other dinner arrangements.”
Domino’s, which operates thousands of retail outlets worldwide in addition to its home delivery service, attributes the shift to a more blunt business model. “Domino’s wants its customers to recognize that a little optimism is fine, but often you have to resign yourself to the notion that the world is just going to operate against you and there’s nothing you can do about it,” stated Harrison, “We’re really trying to push a new “Control is a Mere Illusion” slogan for our restaurant.”
Public reaction to the new promotion has been mixed. “I mean, I guess it’s completely eliminated any false hope I used to have when they were a few minutes late. That’s good, right?” stated Norman Williams, a Michigan dentist and Domino’s customer. “It would be better if they still finished the delivery, even if it was a little late. My family was just really feeling pizza, you know? Well, such is life, for we are born and we die, and any belief that we control what comes in between is spectral futility.”
A summary on Domino’s website elaborates on their new corporate philosophy, reading: “Pizza is merely a collection of matter, much like us all. It is made up of atoms, as is your door, as is our driver, as is the car which may or may not bring your hot, mouth-watering Domino’s pizza pie directly to your home. The universe is a meaningless maelstrom of happenstance and chaos. Nothing is fated nor inevitable, not your children, not the inferno of the sun, and not the delivery of our delectable cheesy bread.”
A new, infinite countdown clock feature is expected to be added online in coming weeks.
“We don’t enjoy keeping customers’ money without delivering,” admitted Harrison, “but it’s equally important to remember that wealth is an artificial construct which binds us all. Life is a void and we are all inconsequential pawns in the eyes of the cosmos.”
Domino’s main competitor, Pizza Hut, has already instituted a new promotion of its own based on similar principles: “Buy One Large Pizza, Get Whatever We End Up Sending You Instead!”
