OTTAWA – Less than one week after guiding his party to a surprise majority in the federal election, Prime Minister-designate Justin Trudeau has already filed 35 million workplace harassment complaints against his employers, the people of Canada.
“Obviously this isn’t the way I envisioned starting a new job,” explained Trudeau, “But I can’t work like this. Everywhere I go, women keep calling me names like ‘The PMILF,’ telling me to smile more, and yelling things like “show us your abs!” This morning, Marc Garneau and Bill Blair had a 45-minute conversation about how fuckable I am. In my office. Right in front me.”
The Liberal leader went on to add that the problem is even worse online, where his social media feeds have been inundated with shirtless photos of him, invitations from constituents to “Netflix and chill,” as well as countless links to editorial pieces on what political insiders all agree is “a pretty stellar D”.
The harassment has become so pervasive, Trudeau notes, that’s it’s even spread beyond Canada’s borders.
“Angela Merkel drunk dialled me at 3am last night,” recounted the Papineau MP, “To tell me she’d rather sit on my face than on the UN Security Council.”
But while Trudeau sees himself as a victim, the government’s Chief Human Resources Officer places blame for the unwanted attention squarely on the taut, muscular shoulders Canada’s 29th Prime Minister. In a statement released today, the CHRO claimed that Mr. Trudeau is “asking for it with those suits he wears.”
“The guy just spent two and half months travelling across the country, begging Canadians to let him show us what he can do,” the statement continued. “And then when we try to take him up on it, he complains.”
“Fuckin’ tease.”
