ST. CATHARINES — After a long night out drinking with her friends, an unidentified high school girl woke up to find a Rick Dykstra button pinned to her side tie halter dress.
“What happened last night?” said the groggy grade 11 Denis Morris Catholic Secondary student whose memory was foggy about the events that unfolded last night. “All I remember is being at the bar and we met this older guy named Rick, but he kept calling himself the ‘D-Man’. I think he worked in, like, government or something.”
The teenaged girl then began to remember that D-Man wanted to know if the other girls wanted a few photos together to show that he was in with the younger crowd in exchange for bottle service.
“He was nice, but wore too much cologne and kept blabbing about Stephen Harper and how great he was,” recalled the girl about D-Man. “I can’t even vote yet!”
As the night progressed, D-Man suddenly appeared to realize the girls were underage and became nervous.
“He just offered us more and more Ciroc, but he knew we got in with fake IDs. We were all totally shitfaced and couldn’t remember anything. But I still don’t know how these buttons got here.”
When the teen left her parent’s house for school, she was horrified to discover someone had already place a Rick Dykstra campaign sign on her front lawn.
At press time, Niagara’s wine producers were condemning Dykstra for not offering the underage drinkers any locally produced product.
