DEER CREVICE, ON – A group of university students reportedly received their 4th biggest shock of the night after discovering a full-grown snake inside the washroom of local dive bar, “Arty’s”.
“It’s at least 6ft long,” said Jason Radcliffe, after returning from the restroom. “But don’t worry, I think it’s safe. It seems pretty drunk.”
Radcliffe, an economics student, went on to describe the rest of his experience in detail.
“When I approached the door to the bathroom I could hear this awful skittering noise,” said Radcliffe. “Someone had put up a new paper towel dispenser but then I guess they just dropped the power drill on the floor without turning it off? It was spinning around and jumping all over the place. It almost took a chunk out of my ankle.”
Another member of the group, Andrew Cheon, disagreed, saying that while the snake and the drill were certainly terrifying, it was the lit, upside-down candle that had been glued to the ceiling that truly concerned him.
“The snake, the drill, these are the merely the acts of a person too lazy to clean up or call animal control. The candle, that is the product of a twisted mind,” said Cheon. “It was perfectly positioned above the toilet. Do you understand?”
“Arty’s”, known for providing “local flavour” to the neighbourhood, also contained many objects that, while horrible and strange, did not match the fear caused by the snake. These included an inch-thick line of ants marching ceaselessly from the window sill to somewhere inside the coat check, a freshly fallen leaf from a tree that is found only in Sri Lanka, and a poster that might have been for a band but had no visible dates or cover fees and was printed only with the word “LYMPH” repeated dozens of times.
While there is some disagreement on the second, and third most frightening objects in the restroom, a general consensus had been reached on the absolute most.
“When I went in, there was a human jaw bone sitting on the exposed radiator,” said friend of Radcliffe, Donald Ackermann. “It smelled like Febreeze. The bar has been spraying obvious human remains with Febreeze in the hopes that we won’t notice.”
At press time, “Arty’s” had still managed to win an award for “Best Stand-Up Comedy Venue”.
