OTTAWA — Following the resignation of a Toronto candidate this weekend, the Conservative Party of Canada has pledged all future candidates will be ethical, upstanding citizens who know how to use the bathroom.
“Going forward, my party is going to limit itself to endorsing candidates of only the highest quality,” said Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “Not only will they urinate exclusively in commodes but Canadians have my solemn vow they will also flush and wash their hands.”
“Well, most of the time.”
As part of their new strategy to find better politicians, The Conservative Party are planning to recruit future Torontonian candidates from Ms. Wanda’s Preschool in Scarborough.
“I have a strict rule that all of my 3 year-olds have to pee pee in the potty like big boys and girls,” said Ms. Wanda. “And Mr. Harper is especially thrilled that most of my students can barely speak, let alone speak to reporters.”
For any sitting MPs, Harper plans to have Jason Kenney deliver a refresher course on proper latrine usage. Says Harper, “You should see him yell at me when I so much as leave the seat up at cabinet retreats!”
At press time, Prime Minister Harper had just put a fussy Chris Alexander down for a nap.
