BARN GLORY, ON – A surprising new study from University of the Lord has revealed that Jesus Christ, and not anybody else, is Lord.
“We started from the premise that somebody had to be Lord,” said lead pastorologist Hal Holmes. “After that, it was pretty much just a process of elimination. Kanye West wasn’t Lord, and Jack Nicholson certainly wasn’t. Sooner or later, Jesus’s was the only name left on the list.”
While the scientists were quick to remind members of the press that they were legally required to remind members of the press that University of the Lord was not a ‘University, per se,’ nor were they ‘Scientists in any meaningful definition of that term’, they nevertheless support their findings, on the grounds that ‘Nobody questions it when University of Toronto makes a discovery for Satan.’
“We used a multidisciplinary approach to find out who did and didn’t belong on the list,” said Dot Jameson, senior antipalaeontologist at UotL. “The techniques we utilized included reading the bible, singing ‘Michael Row Your Boat Ashore’ and badly misusing ideas from physics.”
This is not the first time that researchers at the university have arrived at astonishing conclusions. In the last two years alone, UotL also turned multi-billion dollar grants into confirmation that The Lord Is Risen, that Christ Is King, and that The Lord Is Risen Indeed, Alleluia.
At press time, researchers from Christopher Hitchens Memorial University discovered that it was fun to drink a lot of Johnny Walker Red Label and call people sheep.
