OTTAWA – A recent discovery has shown that you fucked with the wrong practitioners of hypothetico-deductive methodology.
“As in all science, we started by formulating a question: how badly did you just fuck up?” said lead researcher Jack Hardnails, PhD, snuffing out a cigarette on the bare skin of his forearm. “Our hypothesis was, you’re going to find out how badly when we lay this down on you, prison-style.”
Sources say that the testing and experimentation stage involved baseball bats, a wrecking bar, speed metal, and copious amounts of note-taking.
“Of course we employed numerous controls,” said Ruth Butcher, lead statistician, while doing one-handed knuckle-pushups. “Chains, zipties; scientific philosopher Karl Popper recommends these things in The Lesson of this Beatdown of the Fucking Century.”
Scientists say that the implications of this research are wide-reaching, with potential applications in the fields of Kicking Ass, Taking Names, and Botany.
“It’s an exciting time to be working in the sciences,” said Professor Dolph Sledgehammer, carving the word “Loco” into his chest with a flick-knife. “We’re delving into the deepest mysteries of physics and biology and if you look at me in the eyes I will cut off your face, I will slice around the edges of your face and tear it off like a band-aid, ese.”
At press time, Bill Nye had just won a second debate against Ken Ham by putting out his eyes with a bicycle chain.
