NIAGARA FALLS, ON – With his dorsal fin deformed into a zany semicircle by the repetitive stress of swimming in small circles, Marineland’s new star Orca, Kitsak, has already brought joy into the lives of thousands of children.
“Ah, look at his fin,” said 8-year old Dylan Walter, sobbing with what park executives say was joy. “It looks like a sad eyelid!”
Sources inside the waterpark say that Kitsak is ‘very happy’ in his new home, and that the slumped fin is a sign of how ‘chilled out and relaxed he is.’
“Sure, he’s been biting the trainers and holding them underwater until they die,” said Marineland spokesman Dave Walby. “But that’s just him putting on a show for the kids. He’s a real song and dance man, our Kitsak.”
Kids at the park have also been thrilled by the ‘pretty colours’ Kitsak trails behind him as he swims: colours that are the product of an advanced fungal infection in his urinary tract.
“Haha, if they think that’s something, then wait until they see his new trick,” Walby said. “It’s the one where he rams the wall of the tank with his big angry head until this pinkish gel starts to dribble out of his blowhole. I got no idea what the stuff is, or where it comes from, but Jesus Christ does it make the kids happy.”
While Kitsak’s habit of swimming in endless, slow, despondent circles is universal among the killer whales at Marineland, sources inside the waterpark say that, in the past, it’s been home to some ‘real characters’.
“Mostly Orcas only vocalize clicks and whistles, so it was neat that we used to have a whale that would make an unbearably loud, human-sounding scream every time he surfaced,” Walby said. “It was a real shame when old Screamy committed suicide-by-cop last spring.”
At press time, kids were going crazy for Marineland’s newest attraction: a dolphin with its rear third cauterized to that it can fit in a jacuzzi with customers.
