TORONTO – Following 35 years of unplanned pregnancies, drunk driving, stabbings, suicides, gonorrhea outbreaks, and one student dropping acid and then falling off a bridge and suffering permanent brain damage, the Toronto District School Board has decided to close and demolish the Degrassi Community School, effective immediately.
“Given the bleak, and often biblically tragic events that have befallen generations of Degrassi students, we cannot in good conscience keep this school open any longer,” said Toronto superintendent Marilyn Chambers. “For decades this school has taken bright young children and proceeded to put them through an unrelenting crucible of ‘ripped from the headlines’ punishment. The cycle ends here.”
Chambers went on to cite instances of school violence, various forms of assault, and teacher/ student “banging” – all exponentially higher than the national averages. “Degrassi has 375% more unexplained fires than all other Toronto schools put together,” she added.
Degrassi principal Archie “Snake” Simpson agreed that the school had consistently produced poor to tragic academic outcomes for its pupils. “Our current student council president was hazed, saw his transgendered brother killed in a car crash, was party to a murder, developed PTSD, then became an underground cage fighter. And he’s not even graduated yet!”
“Burn this school down,” he added solemnly. “Burn it with fire.”
Over the years, Degrassi students have tested off the charts for depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, gambling addiction, and credit card fraud. “The students at this school are seriously messed up,” related Craig Manning, former student and recovering cocaine addict. “The most popular song to ever come out of Degrassi’s forsaken alumni is the Zit Remedy song whose main lyric is ‘everybody wants something, they’ll take your money, and never give up.’ Like, how depressing is that?”
Reached for comment, several other former students applauded the decision to demolish the school. “I started from the bottom, now I’m here,” said Degrassi graduate Jimmy Brooks, 28. “‘Here’ being ‘confined to a wheelchair’, thanks to a relentlessly bullied former classmate who shot me in the spine. I’m glad they’re tearing down that dump.”
Other former Degrassi survivors shared personal stories of tragedy including bullying, cyber bullying, eating disorders, STDs, and infidelity. Eyewitnesses even related tales of a former student, forced to walk naked through the cafeteria with only a fedora over his genitals, just so that he could raise enough money to purchase a used car.
At press time, Degrassi preschool was forced to expand capacity, in order to take care of the children of Degrassi high school students
