TORONTO – Local broadcaster CP24 has announced that, beginning next week, it will air all broadcasts with no sound or noise of any kind.
“We noticed in our audience research that the vast majority of viewers were watching our program entirely muted anyway, so this just seemed like the logical step,” said Bell Media president Mary Ann Turcke as CP24’s multi-streamed news cacophony silently glared from a screen in the bar where she was taking her lunch break.
“Like most people, I had only watched it in silence from whatever dentist office or subway platform I happened to be frequenting. When I finally did listen to it unmuffled I was horrified. What the anchors were talking about had nothing to do with anything written on the screen.”
The network said the benefit of such a move will include reduced costs, less awkward banter between hosts, and increased odds of landing politicians for high-profile interviews now that talking will not be required.
Employees said they were looking forward to the change.
“Management doesn’t want to compromise CP24’s trademark visual style, so we’ll still be there silently mouthing at the screen to make sure that the channel’s elegant feel is maintained,” said anchor and bowtie platform Stephen LeDrew. “For those lip readers paying attention, I’ll be mouthing a series of delicious soup recipes to try at home.”
Turcke already knows how she will invest the savings from the channel’s silencing. “We need to think of the future,” she said. “It’ll all be going towards a new ticker, taking us up to twelve!”
At press time, have you heard about that fun spring fair at Cedarvale elementary?
